CINEMAX REELLIFE: WHEN I KNEW (TV)
Summary
A short documentary film interviewing homosexual men and women about their recollections of when they first realized that they were homosexual.
Krissy, a cabinetmaker, describes her childhood and notes that she realized she was homosexual when she started developing feelings for her female friend at a young age. This led to a realization that she related to her classmates differently than everyone else, changing the course of her life. John Kinnally, a writer, describes his realization as occurring when he saw the back of a nude man portrayed on a box of pain medication when he was ten years old. He notes that the man’s face and the front of his body was obscured, sparking his imagination, and that the pill box was kept in a “fort” in his room where he would go to hide. Kate, a student, says that she realized she was homosexual when she was a teenager and found that she was obsessed with her female friend but did not know why at first. She developed an attraction towards her but found that she could not properly express it. This created a great deal of emotional conflict within her, to the point where a song on the radio caused her to pull her car over and start crying. Brandon, a university admissions counselor, recounts growing up in a rural area in the South. At one point he was engaged to his college girlfriend and they were waiting to consummate their relationship. After they had been going out for a year they decided they would have sex, but the experience proved to be disheartening for Brandon, who felt as though he had been deceiving her and was continuing to do so. This helped him to realize that he was actually homosexual and that his inner desires were natural.
John Kilgariff recounts his experiences as a teenager when he felt isolated and fearful, to the point where he started to believe that his body had some sort of physical difference in its tissues to account for his homosexual feelings. He expressed an intense desire to be normal, and was frightened when he became aroused while watching a documentary about African pygmies featuring footage of nude tribesmen. Karen recounts realizing she was different as early as first grade, when she started expressing interest in her female classmates. When she became older she would sneak into the library and secretly peruse adult magazines featuring photographs of nude women. This behavior was found out and she was taunted by other girls for being a lesbian. Bobby, the general manager of a hotel, recounts that he realized he was gay at the age of five while watching “The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams” on television. The show went on to shape his preference in men for many years after that. As he became older he became more aware of the challenges that being gay would present him, particularly after he heard his father make a homophobic joke. It made Bobby consider the hostile worldview of most people towards homosexuals and instilled in him a fear that the deaths of homosexual men from AIDS would be considered nothing but a joke to everyone else.
Shawn recounts going through puberty and attempting to masturbate to women unsuccessfully; it was through this process that he realized that he was attracted to other men. Tom, a journalist, recalls that in junior high school he received a message in his yearbook from another student calling him a “fairy.” His father found out about the message and reacted quite strongly to it, so much so that Tom scribbled out the word “fairy” and replaced it with a different word. Lisa, an audiovisual technician, recounts that as a child she had a crush on another girl and associated it with a song lyric talking about a girl with the same name. Chuck recounts that in the sixth grade he became enamored with his teacher, and notes that it was the first male teacher he ever had. For a science project Chuck constructed a model of an oil derrick and worked especially hard on it in an attempt to please the teacher. Yvonne, a coordinator, recalls that in junior high school she noticed that she was becoming attracted to the other girls around her as they began developing sexual characteristics. It took time for her to realize the nature of her attraction but its effects were keenly felt in the form of nervousness around other women and fantasies about them. Steven recounts that at the age of seven he went to pick wildflowers with his father and realizing he was homosexual due to his reaction to beauty and his own personal affinities.
Julie, a social worker and the mother of an infant boy, recounts that she realized she was gay after she was married and several months pregnant. She had something of an existential crisis while wondering why she couldn’t get over her feelings for a particular woman. She came to an epiphany and realized that she was homosexual and in love with the woman. Her mother reacted in a “hateful” manner to her coming out, which proved to be devastating for Julie. Her parents note that they would have attempted to “fix” her if they knew she was gay. Their animosity continues to be a source of anguish for her, and she works to provide a loving environment for her new son. Fred, a computer engineer, says that he has known he was gay for most of his life and brings his family so they can discuss when they realized he was gay. His mother knew from fairly early on as well, although Fred notes that he had difficulty communicating his feelings to them when he was young, preferring to remain in his self-made “laboratory” in the basement. He recounts first revealing his homosexuality to his mother, and how the news spread around his family one relative at a time; most of his family accepted this fact without much difficulty. Chris, a student, notes that his homosexuality is quite obvious and he is proud of who he is. He says that his interest in animated Disney films at a young age contributed to his realization that he was gay, particularly his interest in “Disney princesses” and their tendency to end up with handsome princes.
Details
- NETWORK: Cinemax
- DATE: June 25, 2008 7:30 PM
- RUNNING TIME: 0:35:32
- COLOR/B&W: Color
- CATALOG ID: 103532
- GENRE: Public affairs/documentaries
- SUBJECT HEADING: LGBT Collection; Public affairs/documentaries
- SERIES RUN: Cinemax - TV, 2008
- COMMERCIALS: N/A
CREDITS
- Sheila Nevins … Executive Producer
- John Hoffman … Supervising Producer
- Fenton Bailey … Producer, Director
- Randy Barbato … Producer, Director
- Mona Card … Co-Producer
- Sham Ibrahim … Associate Producer
- Robert Garrison … Associate Producer
- Robert Trachtenberg … Based on the book by
- David Benjamin Steinberg … Music by
- Mai Tamura … Conductor
- R. Michael Klinscales (audio id only) … Interviewee
- Michael Kellerman (audio id only) … Interviewee
- Beth McConnell (audio id only) … Interviewee
- John Patzinger (audio id only) … Interviewee
- Shani Miller (audio id only) … Interviewee
- Lewis Chais (audio id only) … Interviewee
- Sarah Beth Mannon (audio id only) … Interviewee
- Vin Steen (audio id only) … Interviewee
- Krissy Mahan … Interviewee
- John Kinnally … Interviewee
- Kate Getty … Interviewee
- Brandon Wollerson … Interviewee
- John Kilgariff … Interviewee
- Karen Darcy … Interviewee
- Bobby Johns … Interviewee
- Shawn Flyr … Interviewee
- Tom Gilbert … Interviewee
- Lisa Hayes … Interviewee
- Chuck Browning … Interviewee
- Yvonne Smith … Interviewee
- Steven Orr … Interviewee
- Julie Jacker … Interviewee
- Fred Smith … Interviewee
- Chris Daniels … Interviewee